Bwana ever since I started seeing this chef of mine my life has never been the same. Huyu mahali nilimtoa ningewaambia muende mtoe wenu pia but shida ni ati alikuwa yeye pekee yake. There’s no way someone can be created this pretty and still know how to cook. I tell you guys hapa I hit the jackpot and there’s no two ways about it. Matter of fact, calling it a jackpot almost feels disrespectful. God was definitely showing off.

In fact nowadays even my knowledge of spices has gone up tremendously. For the longest time I thought the entire spice industry consisted of Royco Cubes and salt. That was my complete syllabus. But nowadays I am casually throwing around names like paprika, oregano, different curry powders, masala and several other things whose names I still struggle to pronounce confidently. Even salt itself turned out to have different versions. Imagine my shock when this woman introduced me to something called sea salt. Sea salt! Kumbe even salt has upgrades. I tell you guys, I have found my heaven here. Matter of fact, I highly doubt there is another one waiting for me after this life because surely all my blessings have already been redeemed on this side of eternity.

Even the first time she cooked for me I almost thought she had put something in the food. Not poison but love. Just like Mafikizolo sang in their song Love Potion. Because somebody explain to me why I was smiling alone while eating rice. Why was I chewing slowly like I was attending a food appreciation ceremony? Why was I closing my eyes after every bite like one of those judges on MasterChef?

Before her, all food categories in my life were simple: edible and not edible. Nowadays I find myself discussing texture, aroma and seasoning like I own shares in a restaurant. I wish you guys could hear me nowadays discussing food. I can sit there, take one bite and immediately launch into a full investigation.

“The yellow colour comes from turmeric, I’m getting notes of paprika, the aroma suggests olive oil was involved and there’s a subtle hint of butter holding everything together.”

Meanwhile three months ago my entire culinary vocabulary consisted of “ongeza chumvi kidogo.” Life comes at you fast when you date a chef. 😂🔥

At this rate I am even tempted to think Bensoul and Bien were talking about us in that song of theirs, Navutishwa. The lyrics in that song are a representation of what my mpishi does to me word for word. In fact other than the parts where they say “…kula kulala na kukaa tu…”, “…ngodha mbichi navalishwa…” and “…uso nakaliwa…” which I can neither confirm nor deny in public if they do happen for real 😜, I can affirm for sure that I experience everything else they say.

The biggest problem is that she has completely ruined ordinary food for me. Nowadays when my friends invite me over and offer tea with two biscuits, I feel like an exiled prince. My standards have accidentally gone up. Even when I pass restaurants I find myself saying things like, “My chef can do better than this.” Imagine the confidence of a broke man criticizing restaurant menus simply because he has access to premium home cooking. This is how power corrupts people.

Sometimes I even wonder if I have already exhausted all my lifetime blessings by bagging this one, because the chances of ugly and broke niggas like us landing such baddies is usually close to zero, and that can be proven scientifically. In fact, if mathematicians were serious people, they would use my relationship as evidence that miracles exist. Every time I look at her I feel like there should be an investigation. Surely somebody somewhere made an accounting error.

I sometimes even thought that it was because of my iPhone 15 Pro Max Limited Edition that I bought with my own money, cash, no installments, no loan and no harambee. But then she looked at me and said even with an Android she would still choose me. My brothers, I almost fainted. Do you understand the magnitude of such a statement? Love that survives green bubbles, ignores battery percentages and says, “I choose you,” despite knowing very well that your gallery contains more screenshots than actual photos. Kweli Mungu bariki wengine sasa!!!

Anyway, just as the three wise men who went to see baby Jesus famously said, يجب أن يكون الشيف متزوجًا … translated to Kiswahili as “…Mpishi aolewe…” and after careful observation, extensive tasting, detailed research and several successful kitchen experiments involving pilau, chapati, biryani and dishes whose names I still cannot pronounce properly, I can confidently confirm that I plan to do exactly that.

Mpishi aolewe!!!